Cognitively Complex

Yesterday, one of my best friends celebrated the birth of a beautiful baby girl. About four years ago, I experienced the same life-changing event, utterly oblivious to what was about to happen to my life as I stood next to my wife, holding her hand. Fathers at my workplace always said it would change your life, but at the moment the baby breaches the light and comes into this world – men still have no idea what’s about to happen. Everything really does change… or I should say – if you’re a good father, everything should change for the better.

My marriage ended one year after our baby was born, and a lot of my ex-wife’s anger toward me was a result of my inability to bond in the same manner she had over the last few months. I read every baby book on the face of the Earth, and almost every one of them touches upon the fact that fathers must connect with their children in a different way than mothers. Unfortunately, my ex-wife didn’t care, nor did she take the time to understand the situation.

To be fair, I wasn’t all that accommodating, although I wasn’t an absent participant. I did my duties as a father without any feelings one way or the other as to what having this child meant. But I could have been “there” more for both my ex-wife and son at that time. She had unresolved issues that were unrelated, but she angered greatly that I had trouble bonding with my son and understanding her unconditional love immediately.

Strangely, over the next six months, I grew fond of my son. I took the time to try to connect with him, and with every little smirk, smile, and cry – I could see my face within his expressions. When the divorce was finalized a year later and custody became an issue, I realized that I wouldn’t allow her to take him away without a fight. I realized that I had bonded with this child, and I wanted to be a part of his life for the rest of mine.

Every father goes through this trial because there isn’t this natural maternal connection in us. We don’t have a growing organism inside of us for nine months. We aren’t feeling our child kick us in the gut while at work or attempting to take an afternoon nap. We aren’t eating for two and stuffing ourselves full of healthy foods to keep this tiny organism alive and well. We don’t understand on an emotional level, only on a very topical “Yes, I see that this baby is important because I helped create it” level.

With that said, I hope mothers can understand our hesitance and unfamiliarity with the situation. Most men are instinctively a father figure an hour after a baby enters this world. It takes time and patience.