In the Midst of a War
It’s ten o’clock. I’m fidgeting between my bed sheets and comforter, throttling around in bed as I project the lyrics of Adam Duritz through my earbuds and into my consciousness. I begin to cry.
The crying hasn’t been a consistent theme of these evenings, but the Loneliness and Sadness have always been there, sending new rounds of reinforcements to the front lines to assault my feelings.
I’ve been battling a two-pronged war from the beginning. A couple of months of believing I would be alone forever spiraled into another month of highs and lows I’ve only experienced when beginning a relationship. Ultimately, the goal of my enemy is the same, but the means to pushing me off the cliff are very different.
Strangely, these introspective sessions I’m having as I fall asleep seem, in hindsight, like a great thing. But they’ve brought up feelings and emotions that I haven’t had to deal with in a long time. My poor mother, gone so long ago, was never a focus of any grieving from me because I knew it was coming. Now, I miss her more than ever. Those thoughts have crept into my my mind in this isolation, sometimes spontaneously spawning outbursts of tears. It’s as if Sadness is sending in their special forces unit to take out my power supply.
Miraculously, I do have a counterattack, somebody new who has filled a void that I have never found in someone before. A positivity that is so attractive and inspiring that it makes me believe greatness is possible in a relationship. It is slow-going, which is exactly what I believe I need, but with such an arrangement comes doubt. Will this ever be fully realized? Nobody knows.
Who will win this war? My pessimism is leaning toward Sadness and Loneliness, but at some point in my life — I must change my outlook. I must change for the better. I’ve never been the person who says the positive thing, but in my mind and in private — I’ve said to myself “Why can’t it happen to you, man? Believe!”
So here I am… believing.